i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Randomize
