yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize