gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
