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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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