dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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