she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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