dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
