Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
