I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
