i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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