I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
