you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
