Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
