Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
