How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
