Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
