I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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