my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
