its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
