its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
