You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
