I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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