Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize