btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize