Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
