Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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