I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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