i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize