saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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