I have demons in me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this beer tastes like vomit already
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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