No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize