Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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