as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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