he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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