Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
