Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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