you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
