I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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