Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
