I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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