Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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