Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
