I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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