Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
