the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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