I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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