Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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