well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
