Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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