I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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