hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
