shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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