If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize