wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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