Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize