Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just found puke in my bra..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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