Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
do nipples grow back?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
