I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
