so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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