you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize