my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
