apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize