My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
