I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
