im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
