You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
