from now on my penis is your penis
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
