drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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