My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
