I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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