I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
